Wednesday night
was a long one, up at 1:30, at 2:45, at 3, at 4:15, and several other
breaks. I finally took 2.5 mg of Valium
at around 4 and I did sleep for at least 45 minutes. I got to the Radford hospital around 7:45 and
I was pretty quickly moved to my room, but they misplaced my bloodwork so I
didn’t get my IV until well after 9 and they didn’t start me until at least
9:30. That means another long day (it is
4:39 and I get my next meds at 7:15 (that lasts a half hour) so I might
actually get out by 8:00 or so. I tried calling Judy again but no response so
I won’t call anymore. If she wanted to
talk, she would call. I also called
Roberta but all I got was a voice message.
That the two of them want to have nothing to do with me is my fault. I broke off relations with them after my mother
died and they have ever reason to avoid me.
I did write a friendly message to Glen Martin to try to end the silence
I have continued with him, even though he tried to be friendly all along. I have separated myself from a lot of people
and it is almost always my fault. “When
you have singleness of purpose, everything else is embraced or discarded
according to whether or not it moves you in the direction of your goal. When you don’t have this singleness of
purpose you get lost in the tossing and turning of daily life” Mother Teresa: “God may never give you
clarity. All you can do is trust.” “But this walking humbly with God is
difficult. To achieve it, it is
essential that we acquire the habits of recollection and self possession” I think I do okay on recollection (my whole
life seems a grim painting now) but self-possession is another story. Early on in my chemo I didn’t think I could
take one more minute of the constant anxiety (I’m sure the 60 mg of prednisone
was a big factor). Now at least I have a
place to move to on August 15 and the hollow is sold and I am 2/3 of the way
through my 3rd chemo. I have
had several crying bouts out on my porch, hysterically bemoaning my fate, but
for the most part, if I can keep fairly busy I can keep the anxiety level
fairly low. Still, the joy of my life
has become sleep, usually around 12:15 am when I can finally forget how
stressed my life had become.
Later in chemo I
called my sister Roberta and had, what was for me an extraordinary conversation. She was very friendly and she seemed to me a
different person, even her voice seemed changed. She rather quickly accepted my request for
forgiveness and she wondered why I had separated myself from my siblings. She said that when I was younger she thought
I might have Asberger’s and I told I am pretty sure I had ADD. I told her of my efforts to reconnect with
the Catholic faith and she thought that was a good thing for me, even though
she still has no faith in God stemming from the death of her husband in an
automobile accident just after her son Christopher was born. I made it clear I wasn’t going to preach to
her and she told me that she wasn’t sure that Chris and Angie’s marriage was
going to stay together, although he himself is doing quite well as a
construction supervisor. I really felt
good talking to her, and seeing her so differently, and I really understand
that it was my actions that separated me from her and my other siblings. She told me how involved Judy was with the
church and the sadness that my brief dealings with her had brought her and that
she always prayed for me (and for Roberta).
My brother Greg is in France with his wife Chris and I will try to talk
to him when he returns. It amazes me
that I could be so arrogant and insensitive.
Roberta said that I was always confrontational and that has been true
throughout my life, even as an environmental activist. But I told Roberta I think I really am becoming
a different person and I know I need to keep working on this. I asked her if I could contact her in a
couple of months and she said that would be fine. “We waste time drowning in
unforgiveness.” Kelly 128
Earlier in my
conversation with Claire about the upcoming move and the book she loaned me
Captivating, she thought I had already changed a good deal, and she told me two
things that bothered her about when she studied with me in that Graduate
Creative Writing class: one was that she thought that I was very alone (this
was right about when Tracy left and I published the chapbook dedicated to her)
and that I was much too critical of one of the students who used Christian
imagery in her poems and my sarcastic comments hurt this students
feelings. I hope this will help me in my
future teachings.
Matthew Kelly writes: If you want your future to be
different from your past, there is only one way: Change your habits. Our lives change when our habits
change.” This to me is a profound truth
and I do hope that my focus on connecting to Jesus and the Holy Spirit will
influence my habits. I do hope that I
can keep working on this change because for me it is so difficult, but I am
already starting to see the rewards. I
think I am much more approachable and there is a warmth in me in being friendly
to people. One of the nurses, in
response to my saying that I thought I was an average patient, said that she
wished she had a whole unit of patients like me. I think I was getting outside of myself and
focusing on those around me. When I
talked with Leeanne, the nurse who may have lupus, I think my friendliness had
a positive effect on her.
I finally got to
leave at just about 8 and I made it home in time for my evening prayers.
Thursday morning was a bit rough. Thoughts of how well financially, my siblings
are doing and how well Marv and Joyce are doing kept me up and I had to battle
to clear my head of such thoughts and try to concentrate on Jesus. Their success has nothing to do with me
financial stresses and I just have to make sure my single purpose is my
spiritual goals. I finally got up
around 8:30 and trimmed the grass around the house and then I watched the full
stations of the cross, praying along with it, and I think that discipline was
good for me. “in the course of the
entire Gospels, the disciples make only one request of Jesus as a group: ‘Lord,
teach us to pray.” Luke 11.1 Kelly
134 “The process of identifying
strengths and weaknesses and transforming weaknesses into strengths is classic
Catholic spirituality” 139 Confession is
most important because we “almost never
see things as they really are” 147
“There is no treasure like a clear conscience. If you want the joy of a clear conscience,
come to Confession.” In my own case, my
confession with Father John at St. Mary’s really did make me feel much
cleaner. I confessed a sin I had never
confessed and when I went to confession before my colon resection and my knee
replacement surgery I confessed many of the major sins I had ever done, and I
think now of a few more I should confess. “Haven’t you noticed the way people living
good lives have a glow about them?” So
true when I think about Glenda and Joseph and Deacon Rick.
“The best way to spend your time while you are
waiting for temptation to pass is to pray.” Kelly 159 I don’t think I am much of a sinner at this
point. I don’t lust for anyone, I am
certainly not greedy, I wish the best for my friends and colleagues, I pray
more and more and try hard to stay focused on my prayers. That is very hard. “The reason prayer and contemplation are so
integral to the Christian life is because thought determines action” 167 My
thoughts after my mother died were that my family was dysfunctional and I
wanted out so my action was to write to them and ask them to leave me alone,
which they did (except Judy twice tried to reach out to me). My thoughts toward certain of my colleagues
were negative and therefore I acted negatively toward them (Eric, Glen and Don
Samson) for instance. My thoughts about
certain students were negative and my actions toward them often ended in
confrontation and certainly had little positive value. I think my thoughts toward children and
toward nature and my early volunteer work at St. Albans were my most positive
ones and when I examine my dealings with children (I was a very good
babysitter) and I cared deeply about nature especially rivers and my
environmental activities and my writings reflect this deep love (although
people who harmed the environment often gained my wrath).
I reflected on my
anger while doing my knee exercises and I think that was helpful. New instances came to mind (how angry I got
with my parents at points when I thought they were favoring my siblings) and I am
beginning to really understand that even if I had a good justification for my
anger, what real good did it do. I am
pretty smart and I can justify almost all of my actions. So what.
Where did those “victories” leave me?
In my mind, I had proven myself right again (the time my mother asked me
not to come to Toms River to visit after she had invited me because Roberta
wanted to stay and I was incensed that she uninvited me is a clear instance)
but again where did it lead. My mother
was very upset and I was angry for a long time about that. I have to let that anger about injustices
leave my heart. I will never grow
spiritually because I will always see myself as a victim. I apologized to Gloria when she visited me
for a week and I was pretty mean to her, finding flaws in many things she did,
and again I could justify almost every one of the things she did but what did
it accomplish. I tainted her trip and I
ended up feeling like a bully toward a woman who was one of the best I ever
went out with. I also called Alfredo and
apologized for arguing with him while they were moving. Again, I could rationalize it in my head, but
where did it leave me. Isolated from
Alfredo, causing some tension for Kelly, and making me feel that I had
interfered in her life, something I have always promised not to. Claire Hall sent me a nice email responding
to the class stuff and I was thankful for that.
I also spoke to Cathy Gallo and she said that I had been very good to
her daughters and a good friend to her so that was a very positive part of my
personality.
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