Thursday was possibly the worst morning of my life. I awoke at 3:30 and was very anxious so I
took half a valium at around 5, hoping to sleep but I was unable to. So many things clouded my mind: my age, my
financial concerns, a deep sense of loneliness, the end of my travels, the
problem with the musty smelling apartment, how poorly I treated Tracy, how
distant from God I remain—what a list! I
think it was a genuine panic attack and I had to take a second half of a valium
and still no relief. I prayed as hard as
I ever have to find faith and peace but nothing happened. I wrote to Glenda about the thing she wrote
(about submitting to the will of God and about her trip to Richmond) and she
responded very positively but even that kindness didn’t do much. I finally got ready to go meet the TIAA
advisor at Radford and driving in I felt a little better because I would be out
of the apartment and perhaps my financial fears would be lessened. Tim, the advisor, was decent enough and he
said I was in okay shape and that I should have enough to retire by December
2020. He didn’t think I should put any
of my money in at risk investments, simply because it was too late in my
career. He did advise that once I retire
I should try to put away 10% of my money
each month so I would be able to continue my retirement for a few more years,
past 83. I almost called Rob to ask him
to put me on the Prosac but I didn’t want to bother him (I think that he feels
less and less comfortable spending time with me and I don’t blame him. I am not much fun to be with.) After doing a number of things in my office I
tried to nap but that was unsuccessful so I drove home and tried to nap there,
again unsuccessfully. Then I went for an
hour’s bike ride at Tech and I came home and watched TV. The Odoban stuff I picked up at Walmart and
sprayed before I headed off to Tech was a little effective but not too much.
Wednesday, August 22, 2018
Tuesday, August 21, 2018
Monday morning blues and Tuesday is much better
Monday was a hard day, at least in the morning. I awoke very anxious and after my knee
exercises, after I recalculated things about my retirement figures and they
appeared much less than I thought they would be, I took half a valium to calm
myself some. It did help and I did do
quite a bit of stuff around the house.
The musty smell is definitely better and I think tolerable. I did my blogging and then went for a walk at
Tech outside Goodwin. It looked like
rain so I stayed near the building and then I headed to Walmart for some meds
and supplies and then headed back. I put
out the three large boxes of baking soda and I hope they have a good effect. Keeping the 3 fans on and the air cleaner seem
to help, but I wonder what my electric bill will be this month. I still haven’t been able to nap during the
day but closing my eyes for a few minutes does seem to help. Just as I am about to drop off, something
(usually concerning my past mistakes, my financial situation, my age) pops into
my head and snaps me alert. I decided to
drive out to Caldwell Fields despite the rain and it was lovely out there with
the clouds just touching the top of Brush Mountain. I then drove to Tech for my bike ride and
that felt good. Then it was home for a
late dinner and bed at 12:15.
Tuesday started okay, just a little anxious, and after my
knee exercises, I redid my financial calculations (and yesterday’s figures were
way off) and they were much more in keeping with my earlier calculations. I will be able to retire reasonably enough in
June 20, but of course working until December 20 or even June 21 (when I will
still be 69) will allow me even more flexibility. The main concerns will be medical expenses
and whether I have to move to another more expensive apartment in December. I headed over to Rob’s office at 11:15 and
had a nice chat with him about the valium (he said 2 a day would be okay but
the most I have used is 1 a day (taken in two halves) and he said to take as
little as I really need. We also talked
about the possibility of Prozac if my anxiety continues after the second week
of teaching, when I really get busy. He
wasn’t too worried about the protein in the urine (it has gone up from 3 to 4)
but he wants me back for bloodwork in two weeks. I know he is very busy right now but I hope
we can get to walk again at some point. I then looked at the weather report and it
looked okay for now so I drove out to Auburn and it was as empty as I’ve ever
seen it. I played the back nine (five of
the holes from the red tees) and shot a 43 and I hit a couple of my drives near
150 yards, gravity giving me a little more distance. I putted very well, making at least 4 good
longer putts. I drove home after
playing, stopping for supplies at Food Lion and finding that the 5 dollar
chickens were already out so I picked one of them up and had a nice snack out
in the parking lot. I drove home and
finished up my financial calculations and my morning figures were solid so I
could rest easier and I think I may have fallen asleep for a real nap. I got up and did my piano playing (all new
songs and unlike a couple of days ago, I played okay and sang all three of the
jazz songs and did my scales. I then did
my blog and it is almost 7:30 (with no valium today) and I still want to do my
weights and stretching and then go for a bike ride, probably leaving here
around 8:00 because of the rain.
Monday, August 20, 2018
A Decent Sunday
Sunday was a day I was looking forward for a couple of
reasons. First, it was the return of the
church choir from summer vacation and I was going to have dinner over at Jeff
and Lisa’s. I got up pretty early and
did my knee exercises and some weights and stretching and then headed over to
St. Mary’s. I had been a little nervous
about how many people would show up, but it turned out to be 17, with 6
musicians and 9 singers. I knew it
wouldn’t be a big problem and practice proved that right. We sounded pretty good and Mass was even
better. I made a few unnoticeable
mistakes and the singing was rather inspirational (the congregation even
clapped at the end). Rob wasn’t
available for a walk so I went home and tried to nap, to no avail and then I
decided, after my blog entry, to go to Radford for a walk and to work on my
storage problem for my cot. I did a nice
walk inside, perhaps 25 minutes, and then tried different setups as to where to
store the cot (I certainly can’t store it fully extended as it would take up
too much space) but I couldn’t figure anything out so since it was time to head
to Jeff and Lisa’s I had to head off. It
was a fun dinner prepared by Jenny and then we played Cards Against Humanity,
which I had never heard of, but it was full of sexual jokes and the sexual
answers seemed to almost always win. It
was fun but I wouldn’t want to play it too often. Lisa and I joked together
quite a bit and discussed our private concerns some and then Jennie left and
the three of us chatted until a little after 8.
I offered to take the three of them out to dinner at some point and they
thought that was a good idea. After
leaving I went to my office and quickly figured out a decent way to store the
cot, folding it up somewhat into a flat square and placing a sheet over
it. It certainly doesn’t look too bad in
the far corner of my office with some drums near it. Then it was time to drive over to Tech and
do my bike ride, and I did ride for 40 minutes though I was very tired. I stopped at Food Lion for some tomatoes and
spinach and ate some fruit and peanut butter for a late meal. No valium today so that was good.
Sunday, August 19, 2018
Saturday's downs and ups
Saturday was an interesting day in that I was pretty anxious
when I woke up, but later in the day I felt more better, more alive and more
comfortable. It has been at least 3 days
without a valium and that feels very good.
I got up and did my knee exercises, played some piano, did some more
work with the laundry, and worked on my blog, which lately has become more and
more interesting as my battle with depression continues. I went for drive out to Big Stony and rode my
bike out by Glen Alton, finding a number of wildflowers in bloom, including
white wood aster, Queen Anne’s lace, Chicory, Joe Pye Weed, yarrow, orange
touch me not, smartweed, ox eye daisy, thin leaved coneflower, new York ironweed,
and several others but the most interesting was finding Cardinal flower. I drove back to Blacksburg and decided to
treat myself to a movie, The Meg, with Jason Stratham, who I like very
much. It was exactly as expected, not
that suspenseful but enough action scenes to keep you entertained. I didn’t buy popcorn so it cost me only $8.50. I then headed over to Tech to ride my bike
and oddly enough I felt pretty good, not exactly full of joy, but rather happy
and I enjoyed the sights around me and just the feeling of being alive. I came home exhausted so I just sat and
watched TV even though I should have done my weights and stretching.
Saturday, August 18, 2018
A difficult Friday
Friday was a difficult day.
I had a very nice walk with Rob the night before, and I was calm and
supportive. He gave me a couple of
delicious tomatoes. He did expressive a
lot of concern about the mustiness in the apartment and the 70% humidity saying
it was very unhealthy. When I got home I
was pretty freaked and I wrote Heather a very powerful email relating what Rob
had said and mentioning my lupus and asthma, along with my stay in the hospital
for pneumonia. I was very upset in the
letter and in the morning I got a response telling me that they were going to
buy me a humidifier and that maintenance would put it in today. She said that I could get out of my lease if
I wished but I told her that this would be a terrible time to have to look for
a place and then move right in the middle of my semester. I spent the morning doing my knee exercises,
singing some, and feeling that I was in an unhealthy place. I wanted to leave and I contacted Claire but
when the maintenance guy didn’t come by one I had to reschedule with Claire for
next week. Finally, around 2, the
maintenance fellow appeared and brought me a used humidifier and set it
up. It didn’t seem to be working at
first (I vaguely remembered that humidifiers take a while to start working) and
then water began to drip out of the hose and the humidity started to drop a
couple of percentage points. That was
encouraging and with 3 fans going and the air cleaner (with a fan) the
mustiness was greatly diminished. Around
4 I decided to go take a drive but I was very indecisive as where to go, first
thinking Tech but I could see that it would be very crowded and I would be
finished with my walk or biking right around 5 and that meant driving with very
heavy traffic. Instead, I headed out
toward Big Stony and decided to ride out by Glen Alton and that was okay
although my down mood kept it from being a more rewarding moment. I pedaled hard up to Glen Alton, hoping to
make the ride as aerobic as possible, and then stopped on the way back to take
some pictures of a lovely patch of cardinal flower (which I sent to Kate and
Rob later). I finished my ride and then
stopped at the whistle stop rest area to try to take a nap but that didn’t work
so I drove back and decided to go fishing out on Sinking Creek. Cathy was there so I pulled my chair over and
started chatting with her and it really hit me what a tough life she has had,
much, much tougher that anything I have endured, then David returned from work
and we chatted some more and he told my of his work which seemed pretty hard, fixing
up a couple of houses. Then I went
fishing and finally caught one nice redeye and left feeling bad about the two
of them, and wishing I could help them out a bit, but I have to be very careful
with my money right now. Perhaps after I
talk to the financial advisor I will feel a little more optimistic, but I have
a feeling that I really have to work for at least 3 more years and perhaps even
longer. Three and a half years would put
me at 70 and Lou will be working at least till 72, Paul worked till 70, Rob wants
to work to at least 70, so it shouldn’t be unrealistic unless I get very sick
again. I drove to Tech and took a short
ride around campus and then came back to the Perry Street garage and did 4
ramps before calling it quits. Now I had
to return home, but I stopped at Kroger for some musty odor reducing detergent
and some fruit. Arriving home I was very
happy that the humidity was below 50 (actually 48) and I made some dinner and
watched TV while doing a few sets of weights and stretching. I wonder why my mood is so troubled. If it is prednisone, I should be off it in 3
months and I hope that as I go on a lower dose my mood will improve. If it isn’t because of the prednisone, I may
have to go on an anxiety drug. Time is
really standing still. If I have a few
hours with nothing to do it bothers me, making me feel anxious and
restless. Hopefully once I start
teaching on the 27th, I will feel better. I talked to Dave in the early afternoon and
it seemed not to be a very good conversation.
He is still not sure what to do about his marriage and he wants to just
continue keeping it the way it is. That
is his choice and I told him that. I
believe he will continue this way as long as he can.
Thursday, August 16, 2018
A very bad day and a better one
Tuesday was an awful morning, with the smell in my apartment
causing me to be very upset and anxious.
I tried to figure out exactly where it was coming from but I had no
success. Elizabeth came over and she
didn’t find it too bad, just that it seemed hot. I took half a valium and that did help but I
was still anxious and I called my sister Judy and she thought it might be my
clothes (which did seem to have a smell) and she suggested washing them again
and using a dryer instead of the racks I use.
Because of the high humidity in the apartment and possibly because I have
kept the windows closed because of the screens not working well, it takes a
pretty long time for some of the clothes to dry, especially the cotton
things. I did that with two loads, and I
took everything out of the bedroom, including the sheet, the mattress cover
(which is thick cotton) and it still smelled.
I went over to Tech for a walk in the cooler library but it was move in
day so it was very crowded and I couldn’t find a handicapped spot by the
library so I drove over to the Perry Street garage and rode my bike there for
40 minutes. I went back home and the
smell was driving me crazy so I opened the windows and put the fans on but that
didn’t work so I called Claire Hall and thankfully she was able to come over
and she sniffed around and she found things okay except perhaps for a slightly
chemical smell in the bedroom. She
advised using Febreze so I decided to get some later and try it. I debated going to play golf but I settled on
going to Mass (it was a holy day of obligation) and I think that was a good
choice. I got my music stuff for Sunday,
saw a few people I knew and said hello to Deacon Rick, Father John, Beth, and
Tom. I then went over to Tech for a 35
minute walk then to Kroger’s to get the Febreze and a couple of other items,
then headed home for a late dinner and some TV.
Thursday was an easier morning. I was a bit anxious but not as bad as
yesterday so I did my knee exercises, drove over to the laundromat to do my bed
cover because it was too big for the machines here, then drove back to shower
and head over to Dr. Wilts, the podiatrist.
He was affable and he thought I may have Morton neuroma, and he fitted
me with some inserts with pads in them and hopefully they will help. I drove home hoping to take a nap before I
head out to play golf but I couldn’t fall asleep, so I prayed a bit and calmed myself
by going over the good things in my life: a decent job, an apartment that I
hope I can stay in (Heather emailed me that they are looking into putting in a
massive dehumidifier and that the screen situation is being addressed), a
closeness to fishing and mountains, stable health right now, singing in the
choir starting up, my friends and family, a lot of good things. I then sang some of the stuff for Sunday and
then caught up on my blog.
Tuesday, August 14, 2018
Things are Looking better
Monday was a much better day (no valium) and I got a bunch
of good news for a change. It turns out
that the rent surcharge letter was a mistake since I am paying market
rate. I went over to Rob’s to talk to
John and it seems that I had the neck MRI here at Lewis Gale the week before I
went to UVa. I honestly don’t remember
getting it but John had the papers. It
is unfortunate that the papers were not faxed to UVa (which John said should
have been but I also should have remembered that I had had an MRI the week
before so I have responsibility also). That was very disappointing but I called
Anthem to see how much I would be charged and the woman I spoke with said at
present Anthem had covered everything and there were no pending bills from
Anthem. The figures she gave me for the
MRI charges were in the mid hundreds so I am hoping that if UVa bills me it
will only be for 500 dollars or so. I
went over Tech to dry out my kayak and rode my bike around the parking lot
while it dried. Then I went to St. Mary’s
to give 20 dollars for Father John’s trip and ended up talking with the
seminarian Tom Lawrence and Lorianne and it was and interesting conversation
about faithback home for a nap but couldn’t so I did some singing and
eventually decided to forgo golf and go to the Mercy Mass at 7. It was nice to see the people I knew and
there were some new ones also, not a big crowd but the singing was very
good. I talked to Glenda a little and
she gave me a thing she wrote about her trip to Richmond and it was very
powerful, putting your trust in God, and I do hope that I can do more of that
in the future. It is obvious to me that
I have very little control over what is going to happen to me (financially and
medically) so if I can ease my worries about these things by trusting in Jesus,
that should be a positive thing. In my
talk with Lorianne and Tom, I saw real comfort for them in their trusting in
Jesus and I want to allow that to happen to me.
Tom gave me a book to borrow, Christian Prayer, and I am going to set up
a meeting with him next week before the semester starts. After the Mercy mass, I went home and did
some weights and stretching and the watched some TV before going to bed at
12:15 and reading a few pages of Midnight’s Children.
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