Worst Morning I can Remember

Thursday was possibly the worst morning of my life.  I awoke at 3:30 and was very anxious so I took half a valium at around 5, hoping to sleep but I was unable to.  So many things clouded my mind: my age, my financial concerns, a deep sense of loneliness, the end of my travels, the problem with the musty smelling apartment, how poorly I treated Tracy, how distant from God I remain—what a list!  I think it was a genuine panic attack and I had to take a second half of a valium and still no relief.  I prayed as hard as I ever have to find faith and peace but nothing happened.  I wrote to Glenda about the thing she wrote (about submitting to the will of God and about her trip to Richmond) and she responded very positively but even that kindness didn’t do much.  I finally got ready to go meet the TIAA advisor at Radford and driving in I felt a little better because I would be out of the apartment and perhaps my financial fears would be lessened.  Tim, the advisor, was decent enough and he said I was in okay shape and that I should have enough to retire by December 2020.  He didn’t think I should put any of my money in at risk investments, simply because it was too late in my career.  He did advise that once I retire I should try to put away 10%  of my money each month so I would be able to continue my retirement for a few more years, past 83.  I almost called Rob to ask him to put me on the Prosac but I didn’t want to bother him (I think that he feels less and less comfortable spending time with me and I don’t blame him.  I am not much fun to be with.)  After doing a number of things in my office I tried to nap but that was unsuccessful so I drove home and tried to nap there, again unsuccessfully.  Then I went for an hour’s bike ride at Tech and I came home and watched TV.  The Odoban stuff I picked up at Walmart and sprayed before I headed off to Tech was a little effective but not too much.