Still Struggling

Friday was certainly a better day than yesterday.  I didn’t take any Valium all day since I didn’t get too anxious.  I did my knee exercises, read some from the Bible, did two sets of weights and yoga and then headed out to see Rob and have my bloodwork done.  Some bad news there.  Val is going to be leaving in the summer and I will surely miss her.  A nice thing did happen in that John invited me to Rob’s holiday party next Friday and I agreed to go.  When I got to see Rob I went over all my concerns, the chills, the testosterone level, the asthma (or whatever my breathing problems are), exercising (which is fine), the blood clot, the prednisone (which I cut back to 15 mg today), my eyesight (the cataracts are developing because of the prednisone), my tiredness (which Rob thinks is because of the prednisone withdrawal.  Quite a list.  I then went back home for a nap before going to the 7 pm mass of the Immaculate Conception.  I was able to receive the Eucharist, which made me feel good, and I sang well on the songs I knew.  Beth sang very well throughout the mass but at the end she sang a litany about the Blessed Virgin and that was quite lovely, quite incantatory.

Saturday started out very well.  I did my knee exercises, packed up a number of boxes, practiced some church songs, then went out and got 12 liquor store boxes so I won’t be short for the move.  I returned home and did a little more packing but I was pretty tired.  I stayed in bed much of the rest of the day, getting up to watch TV and more of the opera Eugene Onegin.  I forced myself to ride my stationary bike for 20 minutes but that was all I could do.  I was totally exhausted and I couldn’t do my weights and yoga.  I am assuming that my energy level is low because of my reducing my prednisone from 17 and ½ mg to 15.  I didn’t take any Valium so that was a positive.  I did have a nice talk with Dave and I am trying to focus on getting the move done (and I really should be okay with Claire’s help) and then getting through what is going to be a hard winter.  I was picturing Coltsfoot starting to flower in early March and if I can make it till then that will be a real accomplishment.  I have just about a month left before I start teaching and that is worrying me a bit.  If I had to start right now, it would be a real struggle.  Lou and I had a discussion about the past, and I am finding it sad to look back at many of the places I’ve been and realizing that I will never return to so many of them.  Lou uses the past as a source of inspiration for his writing but that may be because he was never much of a traveler.  I have dreams about some of the wonderful natural places I have visited and I wake up pretty sad.  I do still have places nearby to return to and I hope my travels within an hour or two will be able to give me a sense of independence and renewal.