Sunday, June 25, 2017

An awful Sunday but I did talk to my sister Judy and my niece Jen

      Sunday was simply an extraordinary day.  I was so anxious that I took a 2.5 mg valium right after I got up because I was obsessing so much.  Then did some reading and praying and my knee exercises.  Then I saw I had a voice message and it was from Judy so I called her back and it was one of the most emotional conversations of my life.  She forgave me for how I acted and she brought up the incident down Tom’s River where I deeply hurt Jen and Patty by forcing them to stay at the Holiday Inn (I think this was the incident with Roberta where my Mom uninvited me after Roberta said she was coming down and didn’t want me there but now I realize that my anger probably had a lot to do with the whole thing so I don’t want to place any blame on Roberta) but I didn’t remember that I had hurt the girls so much.  Judy said they were so upset that Val and Esther had to come down and comfort them.  Judy was so loving and caring on the phone and I felt so, so bad.  I wept after I got off the phone with her.   I had to take another 2.5 mg valium.    
      Then I saw I had a friendly message from Jen and I called her and she said I didn’t need to apologize and that she hardly remembered the incident.   How could I have done that to those girls?  I must have been crazy.  I must have been a very sick man with a hard, hard heart.
      I ran into the Sisson group and they were friendly and Chris Patrick talked to me some about his Christian faith and thought I was going down a good path.
      Later I drove into town after playing a good bit of piano and found out that prednisone even at 10 mg. could affect my short term memory (that made me feel a little better} and then walked with Rob and he is going to put me on something for my anxiety (perhaps Prozac or something else).   I told him that I really understood why people commit suicide.  You can’t live with so much anxiety and I have been anxious and obsessed and foggy headed since January.  Rob is going to see if Triveti can reduce my prednisone a little and also the Lasix.  He also suggested seeing if I could cancel my unpaid leave and get on sick leave for the fall since I will still be in chemo treatment until late September, and my 4 pints low blood won’t go up until well after I get off chemo.  It looks like I will be on prednisone until then and I don’t think I can do much serious writing while I am so sick and hopefully recovering.
       What a day, a thousand foot roller coaster that seems to have slowed down a little. 

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