Friday started out pretty tough and I got very anxious but I followed Dave’s advice and took 2.5 mg of Valium and that helped. I did take a walk down to the first stump and I did some piano work and some straightening around the house. At around 12:30 I headed into to meet with Jen and discuss Luke Chapter 3. As usual she showed me a lot more than I got out of it, including the reason for the long genealogy at the end. I was pretty down the whole time but she was great and she said she would sure that my efforts to come closer to God would be rewarded. Toward the end of our session she gave me a card on which she wrote: “You are my beloved son; with you I am very pleased.” What a lovely gift. Then she prayed over me and that felt better.
Later I drove over to Stoubles and took another look at the apartment. I actually has four windows and I met one of my neighbors, Jonathan. I then took a 45 minute ride over to the other side of 460 and then had a fall on my return (my end of my pants got caught in the chain) and a young Asian woman helped me up and took a video of me thanking her. Riding around Hethwood was very nice and I can stay on the Hethwood side and get a very good ride. I finished up in time to drive back home for my prayers and they went well. My voice came back and I think my praise was genuine.
On Saturday, I struggled to get up, but eventually did and then did my knee exercises, and then drove down to the gate, pruned my way up to the lawn tractor, cut the grass in the orchard (apples and an amazing crop of blackberries which I munched on), then pruned some more on my way back to my truck. I played twice through all the prayer songs and I guess I am getting a little better. I can’t really fight the chemo effects or the drugs so I just will do my best and make my playing a prayer. I emailed Laura and David but got no response yet. I read more in the Rediscover Catholicism “There is only one question and one course of action that leads to lasting happiness in this changing world: God, what do you think I should do? To think you can find happiness without asking this question is one of the grand delusions.” “The will of God is a mysterious thing. In my own spiritual journey I have learned that God reveals His will one step at a time. This creates a great deal of uncertainty, and we don’t like that….If we could only learn to enjoy uncertainty. Uncertainty is a sign that all is well.” 179 “We can pray while we are driving to work and while we are exercising, while we are doing the shopping or washing the dishes….” 181 prepare yourself for mass mass journal “Life is about whom you love and whom you hurt.” I realize that I have hurt a lot of people in my arrogance and insensitivity. I have achieved some forgiveness but there is plenty more to go. I called Judy on my way out of the hollow today but all I got was the answering machine. I did ask her for her forgiveness about the way I treated her over the years and I hope she will forgive me. I also covered the section on the Mass, and it explained the order of the Mass clearly. I am certainly getting more out of each Mass as I learn more.
I got to St. Mary’s around 3:15 and a big wedding was letting out but Father John said there would be reconciliation, and I was first to go in. I think I covered all my major sins and I am very glad I went to reconciliation. Father John reaffirmed that I was forgiven and that now I was cleansed of my sins, what a relief. I sat in my truck reading for a bit and then went in and met Mike, and bought a rosary and talked with him for a few minutes. I tried to focus more on what was going on during the Mass and I can’t say I noticed much different. I did hope that Judy would respond to my contrition at some point and the words fear and peace stood out a little. After the Mass, I chatted with Joseph a little and he is so kind. He said that my path may be very small steps but that is okay. Only God knows where my path is taking me (uncertainty) and I just have to accept that. I am just about to go on my bike ride at Tech and it is has been a pretty peaceful day, no valium and no real panic. I do think my writing is prayerful since it is helping me to look closer at my life and how to became a better and more Christian person.