Friday is supposed to be the day of Laura and David signing all their papers and making the closing complete. Jim Shortt mentioned around 9 am but it is already 1 and I haven’t heard anything. That is unsettling but one thing I must learn is that I am not in control, God is. I just have to be patient and by 5 I should know the status of things. My reading for the day is Rediscovering Catholicism by Matthew Kelly and he tells us of the need to “abandon the illusion of control and surrender out hearts to the Spirit of God.” That certainly is one of my foremost goals and I think I am doing okay with that. After my bout with cancer (and it was the first year I felt out of control), the last seven months have proven how little control I have over my life. That is very humbling and I realize it offers a great opportunity of grow spiritually since to “abandon the illusion of control” will make it easier to surrender my heart to God. “It is easy to be a follower, but to be a disciple means to be a student—to be humble, docile and teachable, and to listen” I think I am doing that with my lessons with Jen. I also think Glenda, Joseph and Deacon Rick are helping to embrace these traits which I need for further spiritual growth.
What I want to focus on more are two quotes: “turn your pain in prayer” (from 22 Reasons) and “the transformation of ordinary activities into prayer is the very essence of the inner life.” I think the first idea is wonderful, but since I am not in any real pain, just weak and tired, I am not sure the Lord is challenging me in that way. However, it is that transformation of ordinary activities into prayer that seems very important. I look back at my life and realize how little it was connected to God. I did pay to my special white pine, thanking it for another hike, another night in the hollow, for health for all my sick friends, and now for good natural energy to help me heal, but God has not been a presence for me. Even when I had my first communion and confirmation I really had no connection to God. It was my parents’ choice and since then, I may have gone to church a half dozen times, two funerals and once with my mother and I think a couple of times with my Aunt Marie. I remember the time with my mother and I was distressed that so many people walked out right after communion. Anyway to get back to living a life of prayer is my central concern. “Offer the actions of your life to God as a prayer, whether you are washing the dishes, repairing a car, or studying for an exam, and by your inner intentions, you will transform ordinary daily activities into the noblest tasks” (61). Is this really possible? I am trying to make more of my life a prayer; for instance, I listen to holy music as I drive, often chanting along. I do my porch prayers and singing and that certainly seems to be making my life more of a prayer. My readings are more toward the spiritual and though I haven’t done much in this area, I am doing more and that makes my life more of a prayer. My blog is still recording what is going on in my life but more and more I am writing about the spiritual. I am not watching violent and sexual programs on TV and I do think that is helping me to focus on the more important thing, my relationship to God. Kelly writes, “One of the most ancient practices of Christian spirituality is the unveiling of the deepest desires of our hearts through contemplation and reflection….God alone can satisfy the deepest cravings of our hearts” (41). I do some contemplation and reflection particularly when I am resting in bed, usually after I have done something physical like a walk, but I am not sure that I am unveiling the deepest desire of my heart. I think it is for the peace of the Holy Spirit to descend on my and allow me to be fully connected with the Lord. That seems the most important thing in my life right now and I will continue to go to do the things I am doing as well as going to Mass and the Holy Spirit group.
I am sitting in the McDonalds in Blacksburg to use the internet and get a bite to eat. It is six o’clock and I finally emailed at 5:21 to ask if she had any word on the closing and she texted that “Laura and David were working on getting documents notarized yesterday.” Darbi said she would contact me later. This delay doesn’t mean the deal is off but it may be put off till Monday and I only have till Tuesday to sign the Stroubles Crossing lease (perhaps they will give me a few day’s extension). I have tried to stay calm and focus on making my day a prayer but this is a tough one. I did some piano practicing and I am going to go bike riding shortly. I know I have no control of the situation but accepting God’s mysterious will is so difficult.