Saturday, June 3, 2017

Status Quo, Anxious and Time Standing Still

Wednesday started pretty well, as I got out of bed around 7:30 and took the tractor down to the orchard road and was able to use the scraper blade to even out enough of the still somewhat muddy road to get the lawn tractor up to the house and cut the grass by the house and the cabin. I called Mike and Andy to update them so there is no big rush for either of them to fix it immediately. I came home and did my knee exercises, then, because I couldn’t nap, I went out and greased the tractor, which was something that needed to be done. I thought of cutting some of the trees blocking my gravel piles but that will probably wait till tomorrow. After washing the dishes, and then finally being able to take a nap, I got up and played some piano, showered and shaved for tonight’s dinner with Gyorgyi, and then headed out, indecisive as exactly what to do (my calf is still troubling me a bit so I was thinking I should ride in the Perry Street garage, which is perfectly flat) but then I decided that since I had time I would have my bloodwork done, and Valarie was going to be in until 4:30 I ran over to Walmart to get my medication, then headed to Rob’s for bloodwork. Valarie was terrific as usual and we chatted some after. Gyorgyi postponed our dinner until 5:30 so I really had time to take a quick ride nearby but the weather looked somewhat threatening so I decided to finish up my blog at Our Daily Bread and post that. Dinner with Gyorgyi was fine and we went to the Mekong CafĂ© near Our Daily Bread. I told her about my feelings that the deal with Laura and David was not going to go through mainly because of the railroad stalling. Thursday was another slow morning, struggling to get up and doing my knee exercises and finally heading in to get blood work at Rob’s after I picked up my medication at Walmart. I got in a bike ride at Tech, past the duck pond and along the flat road nearby. I drove home in time to do my porch devotions, some conversation with Jesus, then Claire Hall’s visualization meditation, then my singing (which actually seems to be getting better as I try to practice the notes after I finish my evening on the porch). I then practiced some of the jazz pieces, cooked dinner and watch the Cavaliers get clobbered by the Warriors. I can’t imagine many people actually enjoyed the game. Friday I woke slowly again, reading some (I have given up on Herodotus, but I did read perhaps 50 pages, enough to give me a taste of his writing). I am still reading chapters from the Bible, and Huxley’s Point Counterpoint is engaging enough but I am not sure how they put it on the Modern Library top 100, the same feeling I have about Graham Greene’s The Heart of the Matter, a sad and stylistically not that interesting volume. Perhaps these books aren’t resonating that much because of the chemo and prednisone. I’m not sure. I decided I needed to get out so I called Claire Hall and we ended up having a sushi lunch at Greens in Blacksburg. We talked some about my situation, particularly about the hollow sale problems and then spent some time on our feelings about divinity. Claire see the universe as very friendly to her and Luke and I think that is a wonderful way to feel. I think I felt pretty good toward the universe until December and my kidney lupus diagnosis. Now the universe seems a pretty negative place and I realize my trying to connect with Jesus and invite the Holy Spirit into my heart are a big part in trying to bring some hope and peace into my life. I have mentioned to several friends that if I went to bed one night and didn’t wake up the next morning, I wouldn’t be that troubled. I have lived a reasonably successful life but very little of that seems important right now. I always knew I was a little fish in a fairly little pond so I never tricked myself that way. Claire told me about her Baptist background where there is no intense search for the Holy Spirit; it comes with the religion, and no need for confession since Jesus’s sacrifice freed us from sin. I have been avoiding any sinful acts since I got involved with Saint Mary’s and I feel for the first time in my life I really am able to control my lustful fantasies. I have had moments where a lustful thought comes to me but I touch my crucifix and am able to resist. When I met with Darbi to sign the 1000 dollars repair waiver, she was very kind and told me that she could almost 100% guarantee that she could sell the hollow for at least 150K once the railroad approves the crossing. That figure would wipe out all my AXA money but it would at least get me out of the hollow and into town. If Darbi can’t sell it at all (my deepest and darkest fear), I will just have to keep living there for now. If my health was back, then that would be feasible, but not at all what I want to do. The irony of course is the many, many times I spoke to my favorite white pine, thanking it for each hike, for each night in the hollow, and asking to be able to stay in the hollow until I was 70. I may have to really change back to that perspective. Staying in the hollow would allow me to keep a big chunk of my AXA money (now 91K) and that would allow me to hire people to fix the things that will come up over time. Claire also helped sketch out an outline for my blog project. I didn’t sleep that well when I went to bed, troubled by the stuff Claire and I spoke about but I did get up pretty early, have a cup of tea and start writing the first section, tentatively titled Hesitation, which may be the overriding metaphor for the project or at least for my relationship with Tracy. I tried to go back to sleep but couldn’t so I went out and decided to cut back the trees that were getting too close to the right corner of the house (I don’t want any squirrels getting up to the roof) and after I finished (and each step was a struggle and I got the chainsaw stuck twice—once should have taught me enough of a lesson but luckily didn’t break it in extricating it), the roof is protected. I didn’t cut up everything but after resting a bit I cleared out all the fallen stuff by the pile of 357 so I should have easy access to it if need be. I was exhausted but glad I accomplished so much but when I got inside my arms were bleeding at from several of the dark spots. That was a bit freaky but I rinsed them off and they stopped bleeding pretty quickly. I then practiced piano for a good bit and then good showered and shaved for 5 O’clock Mass. I had a Southwest salad at McDonald’s and I do think I am going to go to the vigil at 10. Hopefully it will help my search for the Holy Spirit.

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