Worst Morning I can Remember

Thursday was possibly the worst morning of my life.  I awoke at 3:30 and was very anxious so I took half a valium at around 5, hoping to sleep but I was unable to.  So many things clouded my mind: my age, my financial concerns, a deep sense of loneliness, the end of my travels, the problem with the musty smelling apartment, how poorly I treated Tracy, how distant from God I remain—what a list!  I think it was a genuine panic attack and I had to take a second half of a valium and still no relief.  I prayed as hard as I ever have to find faith and peace but nothing happened.  I wrote to Glenda about the thing she wrote (about submitting to the will of God and about her trip to Richmond) and she responded very positively but even that kindness didn’t do much.  I finally got ready to go meet the TIAA advisor at Radford and driving in I felt a little better because I would be out of the apartment and perhaps my financial fears would be lessened.  Tim, the advisor, was decent enough and he said I was in okay shape and that I should have enough to retire by December 2020.  He didn’t think I should put any of my money in at risk investments, simply because it was too late in my career.  He did advise that once I retire I should try to put away 10%  of my money each month so I would be able to continue my retirement for a few more years, past 83.  I almost called Rob to ask him to put me on the Prosac but I didn’t want to bother him (I think that he feels less and less comfortable spending time with me and I don’t blame him.  I am not much fun to be with.)  After doing a number of things in my office I tried to nap but that was unsuccessful so I drove home and tried to nap there, again unsuccessfully.  Then I went for an hour’s bike ride at Tech and I came home and watched TV.  The Odoban stuff I picked up at Walmart and sprayed before I headed off to Tech was a little effective but not too much.

Monday morning blues and Tuesday is much better

Monday was a hard day, at least in the morning.  I awoke very anxious and after my knee exercises, after I recalculated things about my retirement figures and they appeared much less than I thought they would be, I took half a valium to calm myself some.  It did help and I did do quite a bit of stuff around the house.  The musty smell is definitely better and I think tolerable.  I did my blogging and then went for a walk at Tech outside Goodwin.  It looked like rain so I stayed near the building and then I headed to Walmart for some meds and supplies and then headed back.  I put out the three large boxes of baking soda and I hope they have a good effect.  Keeping the 3 fans on and the air cleaner seem to help, but I wonder what my electric bill will be this month.  I still haven’t been able to nap during the day but closing my eyes for a few minutes does seem to help.  Just as I am about to drop off, something (usually concerning my past mistakes, my financial situation, my age) pops into my head and snaps me alert.  I decided to drive out to Caldwell Fields despite the rain and it was lovely out there with the clouds just touching the top of Brush Mountain.  I then drove to Tech for my bike ride and that felt good.  Then it was home for a late dinner and bed at 12:15.

Tuesday started okay, just a little anxious, and after my knee exercises, I redid my financial calculations (and yesterday’s figures were way off) and they were much more in keeping with my earlier calculations.  I will be able to retire reasonably enough in June 20, but of course working until December 20 or even June 21 (when I will still be 69) will allow me even more flexibility.  The main concerns will be medical expenses and whether I have to move to another more expensive apartment in December.  I headed over to Rob’s office at 11:15 and had a nice chat with him about the valium (he said 2 a day would be okay but the most I have used is 1 a day (taken in two halves) and he said to take as little as I really need.   We also talked about the possibility of Prozac if my anxiety continues after the second week of teaching, when I really get busy.  He wasn’t too worried about the protein in the urine (it has gone up from 3 to 4) but he wants me back for bloodwork in two weeks.  I know he is very busy right now but I hope we can get to walk again at some point.   I then looked at the weather report and it looked okay for now so I drove out to Auburn and it was as empty as I’ve ever seen it.  I played the back nine (five of the holes from the red tees) and shot a 43 and I hit a couple of my drives near 150 yards, gravity giving me a little more distance.  I putted very well, making at least 4 good longer putts.  I drove home after playing, stopping for supplies at Food Lion and finding that the 5 dollar chickens were already out so I picked one of them up and had a nice snack out in the parking lot.  I drove home and finished up my financial calculations and my morning figures were solid so I could rest easier and I think I may have fallen asleep for a real nap.  I got up and did my piano playing (all new songs and unlike a couple of days ago, I played okay and sang all three of the jazz songs and did my scales.  I then did my blog and it is almost 7:30 (with no valium today) and I still want to do my weights and stretching and then go for a bike ride, probably leaving here around 8:00 because of the rain. 

A Decent Sunday

Sunday was a day I was looking forward for a couple of reasons.  First, it was the return of the church choir from summer vacation and I was going to have dinner over at Jeff and Lisa’s.  I got up pretty early and did my knee exercises and some weights and stretching and then headed over to St. Mary’s.  I had been a little nervous about how many people would show up, but it turned out to be 17, with 6 musicians and 9 singers.  I knew it wouldn’t be a big problem and practice proved that right.  We sounded pretty good and Mass was even better.  I made a few unnoticeable mistakes and the singing was rather inspirational (the congregation even clapped at the end).  Rob wasn’t available for a walk so I went home and tried to nap, to no avail and then I decided, after my blog entry, to go to Radford for a walk and to work on my storage problem for my cot.  I did a nice walk inside, perhaps 25 minutes, and then tried different setups as to where to store the cot (I certainly can’t store it fully extended as it would take up too much space) but I couldn’t figure anything out so since it was time to head to Jeff and Lisa’s I had to head off.  It was a fun dinner prepared by Jenny and then we played Cards Against Humanity, which I had never heard of, but it was full of sexual jokes and the sexual answers seemed to almost always win.  It was fun but I wouldn’t want to play it too often. Lisa and I joked together quite a bit and discussed our private concerns some and then Jennie left and the three of us chatted until a little after 8.  I offered to take the three of them out to dinner at some point and they thought that was a good idea.  After leaving I went to my office and quickly figured out a decent way to store the cot, folding it up somewhat into a flat square and placing a sheet over it.  It certainly doesn’t look too bad in the far corner of my office with some drums near it.   Then it was time to drive over to Tech and do my bike ride, and I did ride for 40 minutes though I was very tired.  I stopped at Food Lion for some tomatoes and spinach and ate some fruit and peanut butter for a late meal.  No valium today so that was good.    

Saturday's downs and ups

Saturday was an interesting day in that I was pretty anxious when I woke up, but later in the day I felt more better, more alive and more comfortable.  It has been at least 3 days without a valium and that feels very good.  I got up and did my knee exercises, played some piano, did some more work with the laundry, and worked on my blog, which lately has become more and more interesting as my battle with depression continues.  I went for drive out to Big Stony and rode my bike out by Glen Alton, finding a number of wildflowers in bloom, including white wood aster, Queen Anne’s lace, Chicory, Joe Pye Weed, yarrow, orange touch me not, smartweed, ox eye daisy, thin leaved coneflower, new York ironweed, and several others but the most interesting was finding Cardinal flower.  I drove back to Blacksburg and decided to treat myself to a movie, The Meg, with Jason Stratham, who I like very much.  It was exactly as expected, not that suspenseful but enough action scenes to keep you entertained.  I didn’t buy popcorn so it cost me only $8.50.  I then headed over to Tech to ride my bike and oddly enough I felt pretty good, not exactly full of joy, but rather happy and I enjoyed the sights around me and just the feeling of being alive.  I came home exhausted so I just sat and watched TV even though I should have done my weights and stretching.   

A difficult Friday

Friday was a difficult day.  I had a very nice walk with Rob the night before, and I was calm and supportive.  He gave me a couple of delicious tomatoes.  He did expressive a lot of concern about the mustiness in the apartment and the 70% humidity saying it was very unhealthy.  When I got home I was pretty freaked and I wrote Heather a very powerful email relating what Rob had said and mentioning my lupus and asthma, along with my stay in the hospital for pneumonia.  I was very upset in the letter and in the morning I got a response telling me that they were going to buy me a humidifier and that maintenance would put it in today.  She said that I could get out of my lease if I wished but I told her that this would be a terrible time to have to look for a place and then move right in the middle of my semester.  I spent the morning doing my knee exercises, singing some, and feeling that I was in an unhealthy place.  I wanted to leave and I contacted Claire but when the maintenance guy didn’t come by one I had to reschedule with Claire for next week.  Finally, around 2, the maintenance fellow appeared and brought me a used humidifier and set it up.  It didn’t seem to be working at first (I vaguely remembered that humidifiers take a while to start working) and then water began to drip out of the hose and the humidity started to drop a couple of percentage points.  That was encouraging and with 3 fans going and the air cleaner (with a fan) the mustiness was greatly diminished.  Around 4 I decided to go take a drive but I was very indecisive as where to go, first thinking Tech but I could see that it would be very crowded and I would be finished with my walk or biking right around 5 and that meant driving with very heavy traffic.  Instead, I headed out toward Big Stony and decided to ride out by Glen Alton and that was okay although my down mood kept it from being a more rewarding moment.  I pedaled hard up to Glen Alton, hoping to make the ride as aerobic as possible, and then stopped on the way back to take some pictures of a lovely patch of cardinal flower (which I sent to Kate and Rob later).  I finished my ride and then stopped at the whistle stop rest area to try to take a nap but that didn’t work so I drove back and decided to go fishing out on Sinking Creek.  Cathy was there so I pulled my chair over and started chatting with her and it really hit me what a tough life she has had, much, much tougher that anything I have endured, then David returned from work and we chatted some more and he told my of his work which seemed pretty hard, fixing up a couple of houses.  Then I went fishing and finally caught one nice redeye and left feeling bad about the two of them, and wishing I could help them out a bit, but I have to be very careful with my money right now.  Perhaps after I talk to the financial advisor I will feel a little more optimistic, but I have a feeling that I really have to work for at least 3 more years and perhaps even longer.  Three and a half years would put me at 70 and Lou will be working at least till 72, Paul worked till 70, Rob wants to work to at least 70, so it shouldn’t be unrealistic unless I get very sick again.  I drove to Tech and took a short ride around campus and then came back to the Perry Street garage and did 4 ramps before calling it quits.  Now I had to return home, but I stopped at Kroger for some musty odor reducing detergent and some fruit.  Arriving home I was very happy that the humidity was below 50 (actually 48) and I made some dinner and watched TV while doing a few sets of weights and stretching.  I wonder why my mood is so troubled.  If it is prednisone, I should be off it in 3 months and I hope that as I go on a lower dose my mood will improve.  If it isn’t because of the prednisone, I may have to go on an anxiety drug.  Time is really standing still.  If I have a few hours with nothing to do it bothers me, making me feel anxious and restless.  Hopefully once I start teaching on the 27^th, I will feel better.  I talked to Dave in the early afternoon and it seemed not to be a very good conversation.  He is still not sure what to do about his marriage and he wants to just continue keeping it the way it is.  That is his choice and I told him that.  I believe he will continue this way as long as he can.    

A very bad day and a better one

Tuesday was an awful morning, with the smell in my apartment causing me to be very upset and anxious.  I tried to figure out exactly where it was coming from but I had no success.  Elizabeth came over and she didn’t find it too bad, just that it seemed hot.  I took half a valium and that did help but I was still anxious and I called my sister Judy and she thought it might be my clothes (which did seem to have a smell) and she suggested washing them again and using a dryer instead of the racks I use.  Because of the high humidity in the apartment and possibly because I have kept the windows closed because of the screens not working well, it takes a pretty long time for some of the clothes to dry, especially the cotton things.  I did that with two loads, and I took everything out of the bedroom, including the sheet, the mattress cover (which is thick cotton) and it still smelled.  I went over to Tech for a walk in the cooler library but it was move in day so it was very crowded and I couldn’t find a handicapped spot by the library so I drove over to the Perry Street garage and rode my bike there for 40 minutes.  I went back home and the smell was driving me crazy so I opened the windows and put the fans on but that didn’t work so I called Claire Hall and thankfully she was able to come over and she sniffed around and she found things okay except perhaps for a slightly chemical smell in the bedroom.  She advised using Febreze so I decided to get some later and try it.  I debated going to play golf but I settled on going to Mass (it was a holy day of obligation) and I think that was a good choice.  I got my music stuff for Sunday, saw a few people I knew and said hello to Deacon Rick, Father John, Beth, and Tom.  I then went over to Tech for a 35 minute walk then to Kroger’s to get the Febreze and a couple of other items, then headed home for a late dinner and some TV.

Thursday was an easier morning.  I was a bit anxious but not as bad as yesterday so I did my knee exercises, drove over to the laundromat to do my bed cover because it was too big for the machines here, then drove back to shower and head over to Dr. Wilts, the podiatrist.  He was affable and he thought I may have Morton neuroma, and he fitted me with some inserts with pads in them and hopefully they will help.  I drove home hoping to take a nap before I head out to play golf but I couldn’t fall asleep, so I prayed a bit and calmed myself by going over the good things in my life: a decent job, an apartment that I hope I can stay in (Heather emailed me that they are looking into putting in a massive dehumidifier and that the screen situation is being addressed), a closeness to fishing and mountains, stable health right now, singing in the choir starting up, my friends and family, a lot of good things.  I then sang some of the stuff for Sunday and then caught up on my blog.

Things are Looking better

Monday was a much better day (no valium) and I got a bunch of good news for a change.  It turns out that the rent surcharge letter was a mistake since I am paying market rate.  I went over to Rob’s to talk to John and it seems that I had the neck MRI here at Lewis Gale the week before I went to UVa.  I honestly don’t remember getting it but John had the papers.  It is unfortunate that the papers were not faxed to UVa (which John said should have been but I also should have remembered that I had had an MRI the week before so I have responsibility also). That was very disappointing but I called Anthem to see how much I would be charged and the woman I spoke with said at present Anthem had covered everything and there were no pending bills from Anthem.  The figures she gave me for the MRI charges were in the mid hundreds so I am hoping that if UVa bills me it will only be for 500 dollars or so.  I went over Tech to dry out my kayak and rode my bike around the parking lot while it dried.  Then I went to St. Mary’s to give 20 dollars for Father John’s trip and ended up talking with the seminarian Tom Lawrence and Lorianne and it was and interesting conversation about faithback home for a nap but couldn’t so I did some singing and eventually decided to forgo golf and go to the Mercy Mass at 7.  It was nice to see the people I knew and there were some new ones also, not a big crowd but the singing was very good.  I talked to Glenda a little and she gave me a thing she wrote about her trip to Richmond and it was very powerful, putting your trust in God, and I do hope that I can do more of that in the future.  It is obvious to me that I have very little control over what is going to happen to me (financially and medically) so if I can ease my worries about these things by trusting in Jesus, that should be a positive thing.  In my talk with Lorianne and Tom, I saw real comfort for them in their trusting in Jesus and I want to allow that to happen to me.  Tom gave me a book to borrow, Christian Prayer, and I am going to set up a meeting with him next week before the semester starts.  After the Mercy mass, I went home and did some weights and stretching and the watched some TV before going to bed at 12:15 and reading a few pages of Midnight’s Children. 

An awful Sunday

Sunday was a pretty terrible day, full of anxiety about a number of things: my general financial picture (at present I will have to work until June of 21), Anthem sent me a letter saying that they wouldn’t approve the two and a half hours of MRI done at the UVA hospital, Taylor Hollow sent me a letter saying that if my income exceeds the maximum allowed by Virginia Housing Development Aurthority then I might have to pay a surcharge, someone was parked in my handicapped space when I returned from UVA, and I broke a bottle of balsamic vinegar on the concrete and was unable to remove the stain, along with the fact that I am approaching 67 and really feeling it.   It was not a good day and around 4 I took half a valium to calm me down a bit.  I did try to clean the stain with the two things that were recommended online, oven cleaner and an ammonia/water mixture, but despite intense scrubbing, I was unable to remove any of the stain.  I did write to Heather to tell her what happened and I assume she will respond to my earlier email about the surcharge and the latter one about the stain at some point tomorrow.  I did talk with Rob for some this afternoon and he thought that the prednisone might be contributing to my anxiety and that I should try to get off the prednisone, lowering to 6 mg tomorrow and then lowering it 1 mg every two weeks.  If that doesn’t work, then he may put me on Prozac because I can’t stand how I am feeling right now (although I did my knee exercises this morning, went over to Tech in the afternoon and rode my bike for 40 minutes, then went back over at around 7:30 and walked for 30 minutes outside until my feet began to hurt.   I couldn’t focus well at Mass and my singing was not very good.  I talked to Glenda some and she was kind.  I told her she was a wonderful and sacred woman and that I wished I could be like her.  Rob told me that I shouldn’t travel, since it put such a stress on me, and I think he is right.  The trip up to UVA was pretty stressful, with an accident on 81 and another on the Blue Ridge Parkway (which closed the Parkway).  I did ride my bike up on the parkway and I did walk to Crabtree Falls near Montebello.  Riding along the Tye river was fun but it saddened me that the Montebello store had closed and one of the restaurants on 56 on the way to the parkway was for sale.   Staying at the Omni was fine (although I couldn’t get the Keurig to work for a cup of coffee in the morning) and I had a decent dinner at Hamilton’s in the mall.  Rooms were pretty expensive (111 in Innsbrook, then 131 in Williamsburg, plus a dinner at Carrabas) and overall I spent over 500 dollars on the trip, certainly money I could ill afford.  I was also disappointed that Royal New Kent golf club had closed so I played 9 holes plus at Viniterra.  I am trying to look at the positive stuff, that the kayak trip with Kate went very well and I am sure she had a good time, that I have almost 480K in my two retirement accounts, plus 25K a year in social security, and that I will be back working in a few weeks, and that should help lower my anxiety.  I have set up an appointment with a TIAA advisor on the 22^nd and I hope that having a real professional will help calm me down a little.  I may have to trade in my truck and get a used vehicle that gets better mileage.  I still owe 8K on my Tacoma and though I like its size and safety features, I may not be able to afford it.  The idea of finding another place is also troubling because I was hoping to stay here for a couple more years.  What a mess my life seems.  I have lost perspective on living so well in the hollow for 21 years, for the many good times I had with Tracy, for all my travels and hikes in nature, for all the articles I wrote, mainly protecting nature, for the conservation easement I put on my property, for my friendships with Gloria, Gyorgyi, Dave, Lou and Cathy, and Claire Hall, for getting back in touch with Roberta, Judy and Paul and my nieces, Jenny and Patty and Patty’s daughters Gianna and Grace.  Rob said this afternoon things don’t look so bad in his view and I am sure he is right but my head is so screwed up right now that I can’t see it.  He asked me if I were suicidal and I could honestly say no, but this is a very bad time and I don’t know what I will feel if it goes on too long.    

A Somewhat Anxious Day

Tuesday has turned out to be another anxious day and I’m not sure why.  Things are going well (off the lupus drugs, all my outlines and rules ready, riding my bike, doing weights and some stretching, playing piano and singing).  Another positive is that  I set up an appointment with a financial advisor at TIAA on the 22^nd.  I did my knee exercises, sang my four songs, fixed the bed in the back of my truck (now it’s ready to sleep on), put the inflatable floor in and the paddle, then I was heading out to walk at Tech (even though several of my toes were hurting) but when I saw the sky I decided I’d better try to play golf right then.  When it got there is was very crowded so I played the 18^th hole three times, once as a par 5, and I got a 5 on it.  Then I went over to the first tee and it was open as were 2 and 3 so I started playing and did well, with a 5, 4, 4.  On the 4^th hole I was close on two (I hit from the 280 yard mark) and, in retrospect, if I had hit my gap wedge onto the green, I might have shot a 39.  Instead I put it in the rough and ended up with a 6.  On the next hole, usually the hardest par 4, I go a 4, then a 5 on the par five with a great putt, then a 4 (after a fine first shot) then another 4, with a great second shot, and all I needed was a 4 to break 40.  My drive was good, but I flubbed my second shot, then hit my third shot to within 4 feet and all I had to do was make the putt for a 39 and instead I left it 3 inches short.  What a dummie.  I stopped for gas, then a McChicken sandwich, then I picked up my prescription at Blacksburg pharmacy, and the rains came, just torrential and I drove back to my apartment, where I tried to take a nap but failed so I got up and played piano for almost 30 minutes, then washed the dishes, then worked on my blog.  Later I plan to go over to Tech to ride and that should calm me a little, although I feel okay right now.  I did not take any valium and that is a good sign.   

An anxious day

Sunday was a tough day and at many points during it I almost took a half of a valium but I didn’t.  I got up feeling a little anxious, but I did my knee exercises and practiced some piano, and then headed off to the 11:30 Mass and I sang pretty well.  Brent was right behind me and it is always nice to hear his voice.  I saw Beth and chatted for a couple minutes and then I decided to head over to Tech for a 40 minute walk, which did calm me down some.  Then I was stuck with much too much time on my hands so I drove out to Walker Creek, feeling the whole time that I was wasting gas.  The river was up but I fished at the bridge at White Gate and  caught one small fish.  It seemed like a waste of time but I drove back to Tech and drove around campus for 40 minutes and that also calmed me a bit and then I headed home to watch TV.   

Rise and Fall

Saturday turned out to be a very active day.  I did my knee exercises, unloaded a few things from the truck, went for a 40 minute walk over at Tech, played golf (because it was slow I ended up playing 13 holes) very well, then trying to nap a bit but instead heading out to fish on Sinking creek, then heading back to Tech to ride my  bike for 40 minutes.  I watched TV until 12:15 then went to bed pretty tired and slept till 6:30.  Unfortunately, when I got up I was a little anxious (mainly about my finances, but also about the trip to Charlottesville and then to Williamsburg, and probably a little bit about starting teaching again).  I did not look at my retirement stuff, even though I really wanted to, so that was good.  I look back at my trip to California and how difficult it was at points.  I spent over 5K on it, and I did enjoy the scenery and seeing Dave, and Patty and Josh and their kids, but it was a struggle and at least half the trip my energy level was very low.  So I wonder, do I want to go to Denver next summer and perhaps visit Dave in Las Vegas (it would be very hot there, which I don’t handle well at all)?  It would cost around 4K, and is that smart to do.  But if I worry too much about finances the next few years, I may be unable to travel later on.  I certainly have a limited window of traveling (maybe five years or so) but it has gotten so much harder now.  In trying to be honest with myself, I have to day that I have great ambivalence toward traveling.  I am not really looking forward to driving to Williamsburg, or to Pittsburg or going to see John at Thanksgiving or Roberta over winter break.  Even though I am feeling well right now, will I be able to stay off the lupus drugs.  That certainly is a legitimate worry.     

Catching up

Saturday morning and a whole week has passed without an entry.  Part of that is simple laziness and part of it is that I was pretty busy and pretty tired at points.  During the week, I went to see Dr. Ghosheh and my visit was very good.  He agreed that I should stay off the lupus drugs for now and though he would like me to get off the Hydralazine, he thinks I should stay on it for now since I am doing well.  He said that exercise will help my overall health but there was no evidence that it would affect my lupus.  I also went to New River Periodontics and had my teeth cleaned.  I have finished my outlines and rules and I am basically ready to start teaching.  I had dinner with the Gallos yesterday and that was fun.  I went fishing a couple of times out on Sinking Creek (one time when the creek was up a bit, I didn’t get any fish, which was very unusual), played golf a few times and shot pretty well though the last time I played, I shot a 47 and couldn’t focus very well even though I did enjoy myself.  I have resolved to not look at my retirement stuff during the month, and just update things at the end of each month.  I was becoming too obsessed with it and now that I have stopped looking at it, I am much more relaxed.  I can’t worry about three years from now.  If I need to teach an extra semester, so be it.  I talked with Rob yesterday and he was pleased with how I was doing.  I am still trying to set things up for a kayak trip with Kate and I hope to have it figured out soon.  I have started to unload my truck so I can use it to sleep in at least one night on my trip to Norfolk and I hope to use it more since it will save a good deal on motels, which are pretty expensive these days.  I am pretty sure I can get in and out pretty easily and in the past I never minded sleeping in the back of the truck.