An awful Sunday

Sunday was a pretty terrible day, full of anxiety about a number of things: my general financial picture (at present I will have to work until June of 21), Anthem sent me a letter saying that they wouldn’t approve the two and a half hours of MRI done at the UVA hospital, Taylor Hollow sent me a letter saying that if my income exceeds the maximum allowed by Virginia Housing Development Aurthority then I might have to pay a surcharge, someone was parked in my handicapped space when I returned from UVA, and I broke a bottle of balsamic vinegar on the concrete and was unable to remove the stain, along with the fact that I am approaching 67 and really feeling it.   It was not a good day and around 4 I took half a valium to calm me down a bit.  I did try to clean the stain with the two things that were recommended online, oven cleaner and an ammonia/water mixture, but despite intense scrubbing, I was unable to remove any of the stain.  I did write to Heather to tell her what happened and I assume she will respond to my earlier email about the surcharge and the latter one about the stain at some point tomorrow.  I did talk with Rob for some this afternoon and he thought that the prednisone might be contributing to my anxiety and that I should try to get off the prednisone, lowering to 6 mg tomorrow and then lowering it 1 mg every two weeks.  If that doesn’t work, then he may put me on Prozac because I can’t stand how I am feeling right now (although I did my knee exercises this morning, went over to Tech in the afternoon and rode my bike for 40 minutes, then went back over at around 7:30 and walked for 30 minutes outside until my feet began to hurt.   I couldn’t focus well at Mass and my singing was not very good.  I talked to Glenda some and she was kind.  I told her she was a wonderful and sacred woman and that I wished I could be like her.  Rob told me that I shouldn’t travel, since it put such a stress on me, and I think he is right.  The trip up to UVA was pretty stressful, with an accident on 81 and another on the Blue Ridge Parkway (which closed the Parkway).  I did ride my bike up on the parkway and I did walk to Crabtree Falls near Montebello.  Riding along the Tye river was fun but it saddened me that the Montebello store had closed and one of the restaurants on 56 on the way to the parkway was for sale.   Staying at the Omni was fine (although I couldn’t get the Keurig to work for a cup of coffee in the morning) and I had a decent dinner at Hamilton’s in the mall.  Rooms were pretty expensive (111 in Innsbrook, then 131 in Williamsburg, plus a dinner at Carrabas) and overall I spent over 500 dollars on the trip, certainly money I could ill afford.  I was also disappointed that Royal New Kent golf club had closed so I played 9 holes plus at Viniterra.  I am trying to look at the positive stuff, that the kayak trip with Kate went very well and I am sure she had a good time, that I have almost 480K in my two retirement accounts, plus 25K a year in social security, and that I will be back working in a few weeks, and that should help lower my anxiety.  I have set up an appointment with a TIAA advisor on the 22^nd and I hope that having a real professional will help calm me down a little.  I may have to trade in my truck and get a used vehicle that gets better mileage.  I still owe 8K on my Tacoma and though I like its size and safety features, I may not be able to afford it.  The idea of finding another place is also troubling because I was hoping to stay here for a couple more years.  What a mess my life seems.  I have lost perspective on living so well in the hollow for 21 years, for the many good times I had with Tracy, for all my travels and hikes in nature, for all the articles I wrote, mainly protecting nature, for the conservation easement I put on my property, for my friendships with Gloria, Gyorgyi, Dave, Lou and Cathy, and Claire Hall, for getting back in touch with Roberta, Judy and Paul and my nieces, Jenny and Patty and Patty’s daughters Gianna and Grace.  Rob said this afternoon things don’t look so bad in his view and I am sure he is right but my head is so screwed up right now that I can’t see it.  He asked me if I were suicidal and I could honestly say no, but this is a very bad time and I don’t know what I will feel if it goes on too long.