Feeling very Trapped

The last journal I posted really affected me.  It increased my feeling of isolation (though I am in the process of rejoining the choir at St. Mary’s) and led to a day where I had to take two 2 and ½ mg of Valium.  Later that Monday, I went to the Tech Virtual Reality Studio and I decided to look at the hollow and see what was happening.  There were vehicles there and it made me very sad to see it.  Something that did help was to write down most of my accomplishments, and there are many so that made me feel better.  My main concerns are getting old and being sick for sixteen months with lupus.  After that is my skepticism about God’s existence and about the Resurrection of Jesus.  Presently with my shoulder injury I am feeling even more trapped.  I don’t know if the injury happened from the fall in church or from something else, but the cortisone shot I got on Tuesday, hasn’t helped as much as I had hoped.  It isn’t really painful but I can feel that it isn’t right and I don’t know how long it will take to recover or if I will need an operation.  I find my memory seems even worse, perhaps because of the stress of the recent cataract operations on each eye, the three IVs, the two blood tests, the strain of the semester coming to an end, the mix-up at the choir, the Coleman contest.  During the two weeks I was away from the choir I did go to the Episcopal mass and the first service where the priest talked about doubt and how we all have it was somewhat comforting to me.   I did have a quick chat with Dave yesterday (he won a big case that may bring him a couple hundred thousand dollars) and that cheered me up  some.  Later I spoke with Mary Gorton and she is doing fine.  I had a nice lunch with Claire Hall yesterday and she was upset about her three days of non-paying babysitting.  Luke’s brother and wife didn’t even give her 20 dollars for gas and that really bothered her besides the fact that the kids were hard to deal with (I gave her all I had in my wallet, which was a little less than 20, and she really appreciated that).