So Tired

Wednesday proved a pretty good day so far.  I was able to get up by 8:15 and trim the lower part of the road and then I went back to lie down for a bit but I got up and did my knee exercises and then get ready to go pick up my meds at Walmart and head to my office to do a few things and then meet with Jen and Jessica to discuss the rest of Luke Chapter 5.  I still don’t get the fear of God idea but Jen and Jessica made a good argument.   They feel that I will understand the fear of God as I connect more with him (am I connected at all?).  One of the things that astonishes me in my ignorance is how I have never worried about devils (I guess that is at the core of my agnosticism) but clearly real Catholics believe in them.  I took a quick nap and then drove to Blacksburg to do my bike ride.  I stayed inside the Perry street garage since it was shady and had a slight wind and then I rode home in time to do my prayers and songs.  I took a Zoloft around 9 and then I took a 2.5 mg. valium at about 12.  

Thursday was an awful day.  I slept until almost 8 but had to return to bed several times.  I separated a few things in the baskets but that was it.  I had to lie down and really didn’t get up until after 4.  When I talked to Rob later, he said it could be the Zoloft, the chemo, or the reduction in prednisone.  I felt the same way last Monday so I am going to stop the Zoloft or I will cease to function.  I did a lot of reading and thinking, rereading the first six chapters of Matthew and finding the later part of the Sermon on the Mount incredibly strict about anger being equated with murder and even to lust after someone is to commit adultery.  That is a pretty harsh god that Jesus represents so I guess that Jen and Jessica’s belief that the Old Testament God is the same as the New Testament one makes sense.  The earlier part of the sermon is much more compassionate.  I also read more of Robert Barron’s Vibrant Paradoxes and more an essay “The White Pebble” by Thomas Merton about his conversion to Catholicism and then to a monk and then to a priest.  His description of mass is absolutely transcendent.  I can’t ever hope for such lofty heights but I still am praying for a direct connection with the Holy Spirit.  That would be a wonderful start and maybe all I can achieve in what’s left of my life.  I prayed several rosaries today and I realize that I haven’t really loved anyone in my life (How sad!  I loved nature and fought to preserve it and I was always very fond of little kids but I never was really in love with an adult).  But I really think I can still have a loving relationship with the Holy Spirit so that would be so special and so important.