A pretty awful day

Saturday has started out poorly.  I woke somewhat anxious and that increased as the day progressed.  I also got the chill and had to hide under the covers for a while.  I did finally get out around 10:30 and do a good bike ride and that made me feel a little better. 

     I have been working on my leaving the hollow piece and that may not be the best thing to be writing about right now. 

     Mary Gorton says I worry about money too much and perhaps that is right.  I saw a program this morning which talked about having 600K in retirement savings by age 67.  I will have about 480.  If I keep working till 69, I will have about 600K.  And if I increase my long term care insurance some I will have enough to pay for the average cost of a nursing home (about 90K a year, and right now I would have income and insurance of about 87K) but should that be my real concern.  I dread the thought of being in a nursing home.  I still can’t get over the loss of the 55K on the hollow sale.  That certainly has made a difference in my thinking but I can’t do anything about it so I just have to let it go.  .  And now much of the money I gave to people seems to have been very questionable.

      My problems with religion are also troubling me deeply.  I wrote to Mike Ellerbrock today about my concerns and perhaps he will have some advice on what to do.  I quit Holy Spirit because of Joseph’s reaction to my email and because the group is not going well (at least in my view) and I don’t feel like going to mass today because of the priest that is filling in for Father John.  He is a bully and that is not the kind of priest I want to deal with.  I read the prologue to Matthew Fox’s Cosmic Christ and that seemed to make a lot of sense.  I understand that the Earth is suffering and that the Catholic faith doesn’t have the mystical connection to it.  But I am not now a mystic nor have I ever been.  I remember Judith Gleason telling me that my vision would come when I really needed it.  But if it didn’t come while I was so sick in the hollow I doubt if it will ever come.  I like the belief of the some Episcopalians, that the Bible is “inspired” by God but not “dictated” by Him, thus you needn’t take all of it literally.  I have been reading the Bible steadily and I am up to Samuel I and I am struck by the violence of it (all the killing of the men, women, children and animals), the pettiness of many of the rules (does God really care about the dimensions of the Ark of the Covenant or what color cloth should be used).

      I called  Lou today and found out that Maddie is sick with perhaps bronchitis and Eric is bringing her home (along with Claire) to go to the emergency room.  I offered to drive them back but if she has acute bronchitis then I might get it and end up in the hospital.  That could be very serious and I wonder if I just want things to end, to not have all this anxiety, almost as bad as I had in the hollow but I am not taking any valium.  Dave says I should take a little just to get through this tough period.  Perhaps he is right.  I don’t think I am suicidal but I am very anxious.

      I guess the move is also bothering me a little since that is coming up pretty soon.

     I did end up taking a half a valium before mass and that calmed me some.  I am not sure why I am so anxious so suddenly.  I know I feel bad about my argument with Claire but I apologized to her so I am not sure what else to do.  I did email Joseph with an apology and he emailed back a very comforting email and I will attend on Monday night. 

      I exchanged some friendly emails with Mary and that calmed me a little.

      My right breast still hurts but I did my weights and yoga anyway. 

      Rough day, to be sure.